If anything….

My wife and I met at church 15 years ago. We married 11 years ago. Early on in our marriage I began to have doubts about the existence of a god. However, I was not brave enough to talk to my wife about it. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did try one time, but I don’t think I communicated very well how deep my doubts were. I was actually kind of scared to admit it. I knew it would change things dramatically for us. So I just kind of brushed it off and rolled with trying to remain a christian.

I remember through the years trying to read the bible by myself and with her. It was painful every time. We didn’t read much together and I would usually fall asleep very quickly trying on my own. I know now it was because of my doubts that it was so difficult to read and believe.

Then we started having kids. My wife is the most honest and self searching person that I know. I’m sure she could give a better account of her experience, but I will do my best. She began to have doubts of her own as she read the bible. One day she was reading to our boy while our niece was over. After she read one of the stories, our niece asked my wife, “do you believe that?” A switch went off in my wifes head. She wasn’t sure. The process began, because she knew she couldn’t teach our kids the bible if she didn’t believe it herself.

I remember my wife and I being at our weekly bible study group and she announced she was having doubts that god was there. Most of the people in the group told her she can’t figure it out with her thinking, logic and mind. That the “holy spirit” would reveal all things to her. So we prayed for just that very thing to happen right then and there in the group. I wanted so bad for it to be true myself and for god to show something to her. Of course nothing happened.

I have never seen some one so desperate in their search. Some one so open and really wanting to hear from god as my wife during this time. She cried many times to hear, feel or see anything from the god that (according to the bible) wants to reveal himself to us. I couldn’t understand how god could not do anything for someone that wanted something, anything to show he was real. My wife didn’t believe anymore.

Fast forward the story now to the point where I did my own searching and research to find I don’t believe anymore either. My wife and I have been on an amazing road that is open to truth.

The purpose of this post is to talk about a meeting my wife had yesterday with a family member. This family member is a lifelong christian that of course is very worried about our eternal souls and the souls of our children. I’m sure it is quite disturbing that we are taking the path that we are. I understand that, coming from a christian perspective.

The family member was trying to understand why my wife didn’t believe anymore, and also wanted to show my wife reasons why she does believe it. Their reasons for belief was the usual “prophecies fulfilled, personal experience, why did so many die martyrs for jesus, so many do believe it.” No actual proof for the existence of god. Just emotional plugs and no real truth.

The thing that finally upset my wife was when our family member said that god has spoken to said family member. My wife said, “so he can speak to you so clearly, but not me?” Our family member said something to the effect of, “well…maybe some aren’t as sincere about it.”

This is absolutely not true. IF ANYTHING…my wife was more sincere in trying to get a response from god, than anyone I’ve ever known. And now I have to say that we are both sincerely looking for what is really true. So far, we’ve found no truth in the bible or any god. If there is a god out there, we’re still open. I just think its a dead end.

My wife left the meeting feeling like she didn’t really get all her points across. Like she didn’t really make our family member understand why she doesn’t believe. But I told her that she knows inside herself why she can’t believe it. That’s all that matters. She doesn’t have to convince anyone else or gain any one else’s approval for her disbelief. As long as we can remain honest with ourselves. I am proud of her.


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