Last night, for some reason I was thinking about the last time I went to church. Well, at least the last time I went to hear a sermon.
It was the weekend following the last devastating tornadoes in Oklahoma City, specifically Moore, OK. So it had to be at least two years ago.
It was at a time when my faith was being seriously challenged by my wife no less. She had already taken steps to unbelief and atheism. I was still trying to hang on to god, dragging her and the kids to church every sunday. Though my wife would usually get up, walk out in the middle of service and go get Starbucks.
We had been having discussions at home about god. Why she no longer believed and why I did. And of course her reasons made more sense than mine. I only “felt it in my heart” and had faith. But no real reason for believing.
So as my critical thinking skills and doubts started to kick in, so did my doubts about what my preacher was saying.
So it was the weekend after the tornado ripped up our city once again. Leaving thousands homeless and dozens dead, including children who drowned to death in the basement of their school. The pastor did a sermon called “Why?” It was to answer the question why god allows things like this to happen. It was meant to ease the hurt, suffering and anger people in our area might be feeling after such a horrible loss. I was genuinely interested in what he had to say. My wife had already checked out to Starbucks minutes into the sermon. I sat restlesslely in the back, hoping for something to strengthen my already doubting faith.
I don’t remember anything about that sermon except for the very last line that will always stick with me. He said to the crowd, “why does god allow things like this to happen? I don’t know, but I can say this, he is in control.”
I think it was supposed to be one of those profound moments. Where many of the belivers in the room just ate it up and said to themselves, yes it doesn’t matter that it makes no sense. God is god and his will be done. Praise ya Jeeezus!
But for me, that was it. That was no answer. Frustration boiled. I was done. I stood up then and there, never to return. It was at that moment I realized the god he was preaching about isn’t there and isn’t in control of anything.
My wife was happy to hear we would not be going back. We actually did continue to take the kids for a while longer as they still wanted the free donuts and enjoyed playing at kids church. But eventually they would lose interest too. Now we do family things together on Sundays.
Looking back today, I am very glad I went to that service and was able to see behind the curtain. For the first time the pastor that I had looked up to and though was so clever, was just as blinded as most who sit down to listen to him every week. I once was blind, but now I see.